OK - I've lost the URL I nicked these off - but luckily I made a copy first: ----------------------------------------- Now, straight from the Klingon home world... What do Klingon's call mud wrestling? Foreplay. What do you call Klingon sex? Painful. What else do you call Klingon sex? Dangerous. What's the three, all-time favorite romantic Earth songs in the Klingon Empire? 1. You Always Hurt the One You Love. 2. Hurts So Good. 3. Hit Me With Your Best Shot. What does a Klingon call a phaser? Strategy. What does a Klingon call a starship? Diplomacy. What do they do with the burnt-out bulb? Execute it for failure. How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb? None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark. What do they do to the Klingon who changes the bulb? Execute him for cowardice. Why did the Klingon cross the Neutral Zone? It's none of your damn business! REVENGE OF THE KLINGONS A certain brilliant Klingon wished greatly to be a leader of men and of service to his people, so he carefully trained and easily passed all of his command training test except one. Try as he might, he could not give orders in terms simple enough for his men to understand. He was just too intelligent and they not only did not understand the man, they resented him. But he was a fine officer, a dedicated commander, and a brilliant strategist foiling many a Federation ship, so the Klingon High Command called him into conference one day. "Captain, you have served Klingon as best you can, but for one small problem." The Klingon captain stood tall but averted his eyes in shame and said, "I know of what you refer and hard though I might try to declaim colloquially, it has come to naught. I beseech you to liquidate me for I have attempted all and all has failed." After a few minutes discussion in which they finally figured out what the man had said, the High Commander himself said, "You've tried not quite all possible solutions. There is a small experimental lab that developed a method for reducing a being's intelligence. We find it useful in insuring a sufficient number of stupid yet functional slaves. If you are willing to undergo treatment, they guarantee they can reduce your intelligence a little, just a little, so that you may communicate with your crew. Are you willing?" The afflicted officer went down to one knee and bent low, "I am not only amenable to the concept but anxious to commence." The officer was then taken to the lab and placed in the necessary chair. A small helmet covered with wires connected to a large wall-sized machine was strapped to his head. And the scientist carefully set the timer for a small jolt of intelligence reducing beam. Unfortunately just as the scientist pulled the switch to begin the reduction a bolt of lightning struck the power generator causing a surge of power through the reduction beam, a beam so powerful it blinded the observers for several minutes. When the scientist and other observers recovered they found the officer in the chair slumped forward and the intelligence meter reading minus 210! "Sir? Sir?" asked the scientist as he watched the officer stir to consciousness. "Sir, are you all right?" The Klingon officer smiled at the scientist and said, "Everything's fine. Just beam me up, Scotty!"